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From Great Expectations to Simple
Rules
What to do When Your Child Gets a Mind of His Own
Harry Ireton, Ph.D
As parents, we begin with high hopes and Great Expectations
for our children and for ourselves. We are now a family, and what a
happy family we will be! At some point we will awaken from our
dream of the perfectly happy child and ourselves as perfect parents
– when this occurs, we are confronted with trying to decipher the
immediate needs of a crying baby. With preschoolers, whining is
added to crying and things become more difficult yet, as we must
ask, “Do they need something or do they simply want their way?”
Ask yourself, “How realistic are my expectations for my
children and for myself as a parent? Am I too demanding or do I
expect too little? Do I run a tight ship or are we all at sea in a
whirlwind of confusion? And, by the way, how are we each enjoying
the cruise?”
What do you expect of your children and when do you begin to
expect it? When they are very little, we do it for them. When they
are little, we do it with them – picking up their toys, for
example. As they get bigger, we expect them to do things more
independently. (We can still give them a little help while
recognizing their growing sense of responsibility.)
Parents need to establish some order and consistency for the
sake of all family members. Regular bedtimes and mealtimes are some
simple examples, and they are the stuff of life. To feel safe and
secure, children need their parents to be predictable and positive.
Our children (not babies) need to accept and follow our instructions
and become helpful family members. How we instruct them and value
their cooperation is critical. They also need to have a voice in
the family and be heard, a topic for another column.
Simple Rules
It is the parents’ responsibility to create some sense of
order for the family to live by. This is accomplished by creating
family routines and some simple rules for the children, then guiding
them in a firm, but friendly fashion to accept those rules. When my
children were young, I would say with a smile, “Honey, you don’t
have to like it, but you do have to do it.” At our house, the
phrase “It’s time to eat, go to bed, et al” became part of the
woodwork.
Clear Message
First we need to be clear in our own minds about what we
expect, about what is acceptable behavior and what is not, about
what we want them to do or stop doing. When we have these criteria
established, then next step is to explain them briefly and simply.
Children need to hear simple, specific messages so they can behave
accordingly. Example: “I want you to clean your room, including
picking up your train set, making your bed, and putting your dirty
clothes in the hamper.” Children who are given vague messages will
constantly test the rules to find your limits and see how far they
can go.
Consistency
If a parent can become consistent regarding just one or two
behaviors and rules, he then becomes a reliable person in a child’s
eyes. Then the child will usually stop testing by resisting. For
older children and adolescents, it is important to gain their
cooperation by including them in discussions establishing the house
rules.
Getting Started
Establish one or two rules and then follow through one
hundred percent. Initially, the child may test the rule by breaking
it. If you are firm without being punitive and stick with the rule,
the child will usually stop testing and comply. A good rule is
clear and specific (including a time limit), is reasonable (within
the child’s ability) and is enforceable. A rule is enforceable when
you can tell by observation if the child has broken the rule, then
follow through and see that the child completes the task.
One simple example is a child who has agreed to put the
dishes in the dishwasher after dinner. If the child fails to follow
through, you can gently, without anger, wake the child up and guide
the child toward completing the task.
This form of follow-through is more effective than nagging,
criticizing and punishing. This is true because the consequences of
not doing the job inconvenience the child and don’t simply fall on
the parent’s back. Some parents make too many rules and talk too
much and don’t follow through consistently. Rule for parents: Less
talk and more action!
What about when children don’t do what they are told and
instead argue or throw a tantrum? Rudyard Kipling, in his poem
“If,” wrote these wonderful words:
“If you can keep
your head
when all about you
are losing theirs
and blaming it on
you,
…You’ll be a Man,
my son!”
STOP AND THINK, before your ACT. You have to deal with
yourself and your own agitation before you can be effective with
someone else. If you simply get angry and yell, your child can
label you a “Mean Guy” and then feel she has a reason and a right to
ignore you. Sometimes calmly asking the child “What’s the rule?”
will gain their compliance.
Parents need to be in charge in a positive way. They need
to establish rules for their children and be firm, yet friendly, as
they guide their children toward becoming cooperative, contributing
members of the family. |
