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PARENTS' DEVELOPMENT: THE OTHER
HALF OF THE STORY
Harry Ireton,
Ph.D.
We all know that
children change dramatically as they grow and develop. Less obvious
are the ways parents change and develop as they learn to be parents.
In fact, parents
need to change and acquire new skills as their children present them
with new challenges, or they risk being left behind.
Ellen Galinsky
writes about Six Stages of Parenthood, beginning with the
Image-Making Stage. In this stage, expectant parents form images of
what their baby will be like and what it will be like to be a
parent. We focus here on Early Childhood and Early Parenthood,
including the Nurturer, Authority, Interpreter, and Consultant roles
that parents need to play in relation to their infants and young
children,
PARENT AS
NURTURER:
The nurturing stage goes from birth until the child first begins to
say "No," somewhere around 18 months. In this stage, parents move
beyond what they "expected" their child and parenthood would be like
to the 24-hour reality of being a mother or father to this child.
They become
attached to their baby and seek to learn what the baby needs and how
to provide for those needs. They ask themselves, "What is my role?
How much time does my baby need? and what about my other
responsibilities?" They often have questions about their personal
identity as they settle into their new parent role.
D.W. Winnicott,
in Talking with Parents, calls this the "All Yes" stage. This stage
is mostly about "giving" to meet the needs of a dependent child,
about providing care, being totally responsible, and ever vigilant.
Anne Lamott, in her book, Operating Instructions, provides a vivid
account of "What it's like" to be a first-time parent with a new
baby.
The Challange:
To be an attentive, sensitive and responsive caretaker.
The Question:
What about mother's and father's needs?
PARENT AS
AUTHORITY:
The authority stage is about toddlers (l8-36 months) who are walking
and talking - and talking back! In this stage, parents face the
task of deciding what kind of authority they will be, what the rules
are and when and how they are enforced.
This is the
"Yes": and "No" stage.
The central
issue is the child's autonomy vs. the parent's authority. Who is
in charge? The toddler has acquired new powers and wants to be
independent and do things "myself," including roam freely. The
child encounters "No" and develops a "No" of his own. And we are
off to the races.
The child does
something and the parent says "No" and the child persists. The
parent tells the child to do something and the child doesn't. And
the mother wonders "Whatever happened to my sweet baby?" and feels a
sense of loss. This stage of resistant children includes tantrums
and leaves parents feeling frustrated and, sometimes, feeling
helpless. What can I do? What should I do? Parents also fear
losing control of their children and may over-react.
The Challenge:
To be firm, even strict, with your child when necessary. Winnicott
says "Small
children like being told "No." They like to be told where to get
off as well as being cuddled." To kindness, you need to add
firmness. Some parents are better at the cuddly part, while other
parents are better at making the rules and following through.
Children need both structure and affection.
PARENT AS
INTERPRETER AND TEACHER:
More than ever, parents of preschoolers (3s and 4s) are teachers in
every sense of the word....interpreters, models, moral guides,
coaches and preschool teachers. For the preschooler, it's a great
big, wild wonderful world in which there is much to explore,
understand and misunderstand. This world includes the world of their
imagination, playing pretend games and imitating larger than life
heros. These are magical years that also include some fears.
Parents are the
interpreters of what's in the world and the explainers of many
things. This stage includes both "Yes" and "No" with the addition
of Explanations.
Preschoolers
show that they are thinking a lot by the things that they say and
the questions that they ask. Parents review what they have been
doing and ask themselves what they need to do additionally.
As one mother
said "Parenthood has recently changed for me. Now, it's much more
than taking care of my son. These days I have to figure out what I
think and what I know, so that I can answer his questions and
explain things to him."
Around age
three children begin to ask the questions "Why? When? and How?"
They also offer
reasons for things "Because..." As children observe more and try to
understand it all, there are many opportunities for
misunderstanding.
Children's
understanding grows rapidly in the preschool years. The parent's
role is to foster that growth. Children have so much to learn and
understand. This includes social skills and values and moral
development, along with the development of school readiness skills.
For parents of four year olds, concerns about their children's
behavior and readiness for kindergarten become major items.
The
Challenge: Keeping up with your kids. Remembering to enjoy them
despite the challenges they present and the concerns they create.
Being your child's first and most important teacher, including
helping them get ready for school.
PARENT AS
CONSULTANT:
You can be a consultant to your schoolage (or younger) child if
you understand how a consultant works. A consultant first gets to
know her client (here, your child) then obtains information about
his situation and concern or problem. Then the key to effective
consultation is identifying what help might be needed. Here your
ability to listen to your child is critical.
Parents often
believe that when their child has a problem it is their duty to
solve it, usually by telling the child what to do. This is how
parents get themselves fired as consultants, by talking when they
should be listening, by jumping in before they understand what is
going on, et al
Our son, Colin
came home from his first day in Kindergarten very upset because.....
when his teacher
called on him, she mispronounced his name, then "yelled" at him for
not responding. Colin was Mad. He had had enough of school, more
than enough. He was done with school!
We sat down with
him and helped him tell us his story, listening sympathetically.
Colin, we asked,
What can you do to fix this, to see that the teacher gets your name
right? He thought a while - didn't come up with much. We
suggested, tentatively,
"Maybe you can
talk to the teacher and tell her how you say your name?" To make a
long story short, Colin's school days were not over.
The Challenge:
Resist your temptation to rescue your child when he or she has a
problem. Instead, learn what the problem is and give your child a
chance to solve it, providing support and encouragement along the
way.
Moral: A
consultant is a patient person. Patience may be the better part of
wisdom.
SUMMARY:
Parent as Nurturer, Parent As Authority, Parent as Teacher, Parent
as Consultant! That's a lot to ask. Remember, you don't have to get
it all right. Nobody's perfect!
Some things are
going to come easier for you; Other things will be more difficult.
Some things you
will really struggle with. Just like your kids. We are ALL in the
same boat. |
