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THE PARENT
TRIP: RIDING THE ROLLER COASTER
HARRY IRETON, Ph.D
Welcome to the wild, wonderful
and worried world of parenthood. This world includes delight in
your new baby, sleepless nights and fatigue, toddlers who get into
things and preschoolers who sometimes mind. In this world, there is
a lot to smile and laugh about. Also a lot to worry about and
sometimes cry about.
This article is about what it's
like to be a parent and about what parents need.
It can help parents and parent
educators look at the emotional heart of parenting-at parents'
emotional Ups and Downs. Having children and raising children puts
parents on an emotional roller coaster.
One mother told me "My child is
on an emotional roller coaster, and I'm right there with him. I
need to climb off."
This article talks about
parents' expectations, parents' experiences and parents' emotional
reactions to their children and the things that children do.
Parents' expectations are usually greater than their everyday
experience of being a parent. Most parents say "it's harder
than I expected it would be." Disappointment and discouragement are
part of adjusting to the real world of parenthood.
Parents have a lot to enjoy and
a lot to be concerned about. Their joys, disappointments and
concerns are sources of excitement and anxiety. Parents tell me
about all this when I ask them questions such as the following:
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Before your first
child was born, what did you expect...
o
your baby/child
would be like?
o
how you would be
as a parent?
·
Tell me, what's it
like for you, being a mother/father?
·
How are you doing
with it all?
GREAT EXPECTATIONS
Expectant parents, especially
first time parents, create images of what their baby will be like
and how they will feel and behave as the baby's mother or father.
Remember what you expected?
The less experience people have
with children the more ideal their expectations will be. Mothers
have told about the sweet, quiet contented baby they expected to
cuddle and enjoy. Then they discovered that babies begin life in
the larger world by crying, continue to cry a lot and may keep on
crying despite their mother's best efforts to comfort them.
You thought you bought a ticket
to the merry-go-round and you find yourself on the roller coaster,
hanging on!
PARENTS' EXPERIENCES
The everyday reality of caring
for a baby or guiding a young child can leave parents feeling
disappointed and discouraged. Granting the joys that are part of
parenthood, being tired and too busy are probably the rule. There
is never enough Time and parents are often "on the run." The word "muti-tasking"
was probably invented to describe busy mothers.
There is a lot to worry about
in relation to your child's health and safety, development, learning
and behavior. Should I call the doctor? Will she ever learn not to
run into the street? Will he ever do what he is told? Is he ready
for kindergarten?
Fatigue and frustration can
lead to anger, yelling and striking out at our children
When we are attempting to guide
our children and they don't listen - we can feel pretty inadequate,
even helpless. If you feel out of control or over-whelmed, ask for
help!
Most of the time, parents find
a way - such as Way To Grow - to be the parents they want to be.
DEALING WITH DISAPPOINTMENT
Our dreams for our children and
for ourselves as parents sometimes lead to disappointment. We need
to deal somehow with our disappointments, even as we are busy with
the daily demands of being a parent.
Parents are not supposed to be
disappointed with their children and probably feel guilty if they
are. So this is not talked about.
Parents are sometimes
disappointed in themselves as parents; sometimes disappointed in how
their partner behaves. As parents we need to have "the courage to
be imperfect," to accept mistakes as a fact of life and learn from
our mistakes.
Less obvious, we need to have
the courage to have imperfect children, especially those children
who have a lot of rough edges. Parents of children with
disabilities or major health problems suffer even larger losses of
their dream child. They need to grieve their loss even as they work
harder than most parents to meet their child's needs.
REVIEWING YOUR EXPECTATIONS
We only learn what it really
means to have a child and be responsible for that child by doing
it. When Reality strikes, parents find how much there is to do and
how difficult it can be.
As one mother said, "They are
there all the time. They are always there." Another mother said,
"In the first year, you don't sleep. In the second year, you sleep
with one eye open."
Parents need to come to terms
with the real needs of a real child and review their expectations
for themselves as well. We all have limitations and needs for help
and emotional support.
One mom said, "I expected to be
a great mother, to do it right, to get it perfect!" Fortunately,
this mother learned to challenge her perfectionism, set aside her
grand, long-term goals and take "one day at a time." Or is it one
moment?
Parents are so busy providing
for their children that they often forget about their own needs.
Take some time for yourself: Checking your energy level and taking
your temperature can help you get thru the rough spots.
ENCOURAGING OUR CHILDREN AND OURSELVES
The Ups and Downs of raising
children, plus the physical and emotional work that is involved,
means that parents need lots of support and encouragement. There is
no more important subject for parents, children and families than
encouragement.
Encouragement is about having
faith in someone - having faith in their ability to handle things,
including difficult things. You can do it! And letting them know
that they are not alone. The Someone could be your child, or
yourself, or your partner.
Learning how to be less
critical and to appreciate our children and our own efforts more is
encouraging for all. Less perfection means more enjoyment.
Enjoying your child is one of
the most encouraging things you can do for both of you.
Last, but
not least, please remember to appreciate yourself for your efforts
and your commitment to your children.
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